I'll put them under headings for the sane amongst you who wanna skip the trash.
Snow
I have decided that unless it's snowing, I don't like being cold. The snow makes everything more exciting. And whilst around my Northern Hemisphere classmates I have been a staunch defender of Christmas in the Summer, the snow does add to the excitement of 'something coming just around the corner'. Still, I stand by the greatness of 3 months off (if you're lucky enough to be at school or uni) with Christmas in the middle.
Christmas
I'm so excited about Jesus' birthday this year. I'm not entirely sure why. I think that being away from everyone with just ourselves and our parents will be both sad and liberating....it will give us more concentrated focus on the real reason for the season. But more on the next note.
Alone-ness
I have always said that I am never lonely, just sometimes alone. Even when I first moved out of home and embarked on my first overseas (solo!) trip almost 4 years ago, I really never felt alone. I guess that's one of the benefits of being a Christian. (The family of God is an amazing thing, but more on that to come.) In fact, being alone by choice (I'm not sure I'd feel the same if it were forced upon me) can be delightful. I'm not talking about being separated from Jordan (which also has its highs and lows) but about both of us being away from 'life'. Life in Prague so far has really been a holiday for us.
I must say, one of our inspirations for moving overseas was in meeting our lovely friends, Blair and Bec, from Canada. Jordan met Blair when he knocked on our door selling an Oxfam sponsorship type deal. We only became friends in their last month in Australia, but know that it was a God-given friendship. Bec and Blair were pretty living out of their suitcases. And we envied them. We were in a gluttonous stage in our marriage where we were buying all sorts of rubbish for the house we didn't need, and they shook us out of it before we decided to buy a table to fill a hole in the entry way (why!?). Living here with hardly any of our own stuff is really liberating. Obviously one needs to settle down at some point in his/her life, but wouldn't it be amazing to be so open to Him that if He one day asked you to pick up and move across town or across the country, you could do it? Of course, I'm reminded of '...whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.' (Matthew 10:39). It's just one of the many verses I actively ignore or skew the meaning of to avoid doing anything that would upset my comfort levels.
Christianity
My gosh there are so many people out there who have been hurt by us. I've only spent about 10 hours in Christian company since we arrived (4 of those were drinks and dinner at the pub with Alex Helbig and the other 6 were in our trips to the International Church), and yet I have had so many conversations about it. Lots of begrudging post-teens already with a beef about religion. Not about Jesus, or about the Spirit or the Creator, sadly, I don't think they ever got that far...because they were stopped by religion - the rights and wrongs, the rituals, the condemnation and the crazy lingo. I'm not sure how to help this. I know that there are generations of people with these same feelings, and thus it will take generations to fix. Perhaps our children's generation will be completely devoid of 'religions experience'. Perhaps it will alienate them even more from the idea of God. Perhaps it will provide a clean slate? I don't know, as Jordan always reminds me, first and foremost it's about being Jesus to my friends, first and foremost. I'm hoping my they can see something different to the screwed up mess they perceive Christianity to be.
Death
Okay, so I always feel I will be able to hold it together when someone dies. I used to be more stoic about death (and part of me wonders whether my Faith is decreasing...). Most of my loved ones know that Jesus is the way to go, so I know I'll see them again. This is still my view, but somehow, I've gotten soft in my old age and the thought of living without some of these people makes me teary. It may be because I've spent so long living away from various loved ones that there's always this fear that one of them will die and I won't be able to say goodbye. Whatever that means. It seems like a cliche saying, but, from experience, there is definite closure in mourning as a community. And of course, I'll never forget getting the phone call that Caleb had died and that I'd missed out on knowing a beautiful little man.
Tak.
So.
This is the premise for me explaining two events that happened to me recently.
1. Dream
I often dream about family dying, even before I had this erratic fear. I seem to have inherited this from my Mum, who often wakes up yelling because one of us has gone too close to a cliff or driven off of a bridge etc etc. Also like my mother, I am blessed to have my husband by my side, who reassures me that everything/everyone is fine. However, my dreams are very vivid and I often fear that they are prophecies...so of course, the fear lingers a bit.
About two weeks ago I dreamt that Mum was dying of cancer. She told everyone else (being the siblings and their families) except me. I'm not sure why. But everyone else had dealt with it except me, and that made me both angry and devastated, because it meant I had less time with her than the others. We were at a swimming carnival (which then morphed into an ancient paper plane ritual) with heaps of families around and I was just wandering around, screaming and inconsolable. No one paid me much attention, and I was unable to find Jordan either. (This of course being a by product of waking up too many times over the last few months unable to find my husband!) It was the last dream I had that morning before my alarm went off, so when I woke up it stuck with me. When I dream this vividly I find it hard to shake the dreams in the morning. Even when I was little and I used to dream about toys or the ability to fly, I would wake up feeling elated about my new gift. And it would take me a while to realise that it wasn't true. So I messaged Mum for her reassurance that everything's alright!
2. The Daughter
Jordan and I were wandering through the Old Town square just a few nights later. The sun had set, but there was light in the air, reflected through the gaps of some big old grey clouds. We didn't realise it, but it was St.Nicholas Day-Eve, so there were kids running around with devil horns and choirs singing and families out in droves.
As we rounded a busy corner, to re-circle the markets, a young girl not much older than me started speaking loudly above the crowd. We assumed she was selling something. But then she became more frantic, and almost wailing. At this same moment, through the bodies I saw someone grab something and push it back into position. For some reason I assumed a baby was falling out of a pram and someone caught it. Phew. But the wailing continued. Then it turned into desperate screams, 'Mama?! MAMA?'...it was her mother who had been caught and propped back up in her position. She was a well dressed lady only 5-10 years older than my own mother, sitting staring blankly, her mouth unmoving, her body stiff....she had died. Just there on the seat at the market, with her young daughter screaming for help, with people eating hot dogs and making crepes and with Christmas carols in the background. My heart stopped and I couldn't breathe. My eyes welled up. This all seemed so familiar, I was so confused, and became distraught myself. Everything kind of went into slow motion, like when you're staring at something and you answer a question, but are completely unaware of what you just said. Some police officers arrived, Jordan told me not to look and he asked if I wanted him to check it out. I said yes, but once he left decided that I didn't want to be alone, so I wandered behind him, dazed. He turned around and said, 'It's okay. She's okay. Look.' and then I saw that she was smiling and laughing and drinking water. And everyone went back to being at the Christmas markets.
You're as confused as we are. I don't know what happened to her. But she looked dead. Both of us thought she was dead. And it scared the crap out of me. I was shaken as we walked up to Wenceslas Square and kept talking, but I don't know what I said. I was thinking about that lady....it all just seemed too familiar, too close to home. It wasn't until dinner time that I remembered the above dream. I don't like scaring myself like this. If you're one for prayer, please pray that my dreams are more productive/instructive!
Bed
On that note, I think that's enough for now. I don't like reliving these experiences just before bed time, so I'm off to play Ticket to Ride (below)...
Thanks for listening.
